![]() Last year on Labor Day right after we got our first cat, the ancient and illustrious Boy, Ross came to visit. It’s a part of myself.įor example, I am extremely talkative and I’m passionate about almost everything I discuss.Įspecially if I’m playing Mario Party baseball. I also realized many of the aspects of myself I wished to change and work on were actually not harmful or bad things, they were just things about me, just like my hair which I must accept is never going to do anything but be the way it is right now and forever, or the way my upper arms are kind of rough. This is kind of challenging to convey but I guess what I mean is it’s easy to succumb to not peer pressure, but almost like, peer preference, where everyone likes the same stuff and that’s easy–completely fine in a vacuum–but when I looked around, I realized I didn’t enjoy a large portion of anything I was consuming. They are likely still your friendsįiguring out who you actually are could possibly be everything.Įarlier this year, I realized many of my habits, routines, and interests were not really based in any element of myself but had instead come from one of many various perceptions. Aiming for that person and not settling.įinding a therapist and/or medication is daunting but if you keep putting it off you’re just going to keep being unhappy and feeling weird all the time.Īlso your friends are not pissed at you rn self care, is not taking a bath or reading a book or taking the afternoon off, but rather it is the hard work of loving who you are and knowing who you want to become. You don’t have to earn it by having good enough thoughts or feelings at any given time and you’re not wasting it by just being around.Ĭaring for one’s self, i.e. ![]() You as a human being are valuable on your own. Once I’m done I look outside and watch green swallows cut shimmery circles in the summer air and a bee crawl along the inside of our screen window. Her claw is soft white and slightly transucent. She’s warm because her body is generating heat for her just like mine is generating heat from mine. I lean down to help June get her claw unstuck and gently hold her limb. Each day, I’m enamored at the progress of my mini fiddle leaf fig and at the stretched out form of my dumb cats. Life of any kind is stunning, wondrous, almost unexplainable all on its own. You shouldn’t just leave them exposed or force them to fend for themselves, but in the end all you can do with your garden, your self is give it the tools it needs and trust it to become. Seeds are so tender, so fragile, you can’t protect them as they grow, not really. Learning to care for others by caring for yourself. Learning slowly to be more patient, more tender, more understanding. Learning the guitar those many years ago when it never made sense that all I had to do was press here, here, and here and it could make music and how that was so wonderful, or Cultivation the central theme, connected to both its definition as a means of producing and growing things from the earth and as it pertains to the slow, grinding work of becoming better at something, be it The idea of ourselves as ponds, gardens, places of life and growth, has been rooting around my skull for a few months. Your job is to always remember you’re the pond, not the fish. Heard this thing: you are the pond, your thoughts and feelings are the fish. ![]() What makes “you” is inherent and cannot be defined by your body, your mind, your thoughts, or your emotions. For this newsletter, I would like to share several thoughts that would have helped me two years ago right now, and maybe you’ll also like them and maybe even remember them if you ever experience virulent full-body anxiety that feels like little lightning bolts shooting up and down your limbs. When I got married and moved to Idaho, I began reevaluating and over the course of a year and some change, I became much closer to someone I like being. At the end of the summer, whatever ball of bad was inside me evolved into virulent, full-body anxiety I likened to constant little bolts of lightning shooting up and down my limbs. I knew my friends were all doing better than I was, which was really saying something because this was June of 2020 when no one was doing all that well to begin with. It got very little light and felt a little like it was crushing me to death. ![]() For six brutal weeks, I lived in a hole the apartment, as we called it growing up, is really just a structure next to the garage that my parents stripped and redid. Two years ago, Ross and I’s lease was ending and MK was moving back to DFW so I made the brave, haunting decision to move back home, live in the back house of my mom’s property, and pay rent. ![]()
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